


My Fault

by fandomfreak



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-21
Updated: 2014-05-21
Packaged: 2018-01-25 23:43:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1666811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandomfreak/pseuds/fandomfreak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Dean dies, Sam cleans him up before resting his body on his bed. He remembers a few things from their childhood and feels guilt and self-hate for all the deaths he feels he's caused.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Fault

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this after tonight's episode. I just have a lot of feelings, okay?

Sam holds Dean’s head in his lap, gently cleaning away the blood. His brother’s been dead long enough for his corpse to turn cold. Every time Sam touches Dean, the feel of his icy skin sends chills down Sam’s spine. _It wasn’t supposed to end like this._

He dips the washcloth into a bucket of water. He checks the temperature of the water, making sure it’s just right. It’s stupid, since Dean can’t feel anything anymore, but he does it anyways, just like Dean used to when they were little. He always checked the water’s temperature for Sam, always made sure it wasn’t too cold or too hot, even if that meant he’d end up taking a cold shower because they were out of hot water. _He always put me first and look where it got him._

Sam wipes a tear away with his sleeve, pushing his feelings away long enough to get this task done. Before long, his hands (and the washcloth) are covered in blood. He has a brief moment of panic where he sees Kevin die at his hand. A small sob escapes his lips as he desperately tries to clean the blood off his hands. _No matter how hard I wipe, there will always be blood on my hands._

He makes sure Dean’s face is as clean as it can get before taking him to his room and gently resting him on his bed. If Sam tries hard enough, he can almost pretend Dean is just sleeping and not permanently gone. He has so many regrets. There are so many words left unsaid; so much he feels he could have done to prevent this. _I’m sorry._

He wants to say so much, but it’s pointless now, so he doesn’t. Instead, he plants a kiss on Dean’s cheek, on the same spot he used to kiss all those years ago.

“Goodnight, Dean,” he whispers, looking one last time at his big brother before exiting the room. _I love you._

_\---_

He can’t get his brain to shut up. _It’s your fault._ He just wants things to go back to normal. _Everything he did was for you and look how you repaid him._ He hurts so much. _He died thinking you were still mad at him._ He wants to scream. _You told him you weren’t brothers anymore._ He’s ready to pull his hair out. _His only concern when he was dying was you;, it was always you_. He feels like he’s suffocating. _You never think of anyone but yourself._ He needs something to numb him. _Ever notice how all your loved ones die?_ He starts walking through the bunker aimlessly, hoping to distract himself. I _t’s all your fault._ He can’t stand much more of this. _Your first victim was your mother, will your brother be your last?_ He throws a glass against the wall, which doesn’t help much. _Why do you hurt everyone you love?_ He finally spots a bottle and decides to follow in his big brother’s footsteps. _He drank so much because of the burden he carried, a burden called Sam Winchester._ He drowns glass after glass, willing his brain to shut up. _No matter how much you drink, you’ll never be able to forget._ He’s getting drowsy now. _You’ll only see him in your dreams now._ He sits down and rests his head on the table. _You’ll never get to feel his warm hugs._ He closes his eyes, hoping to fall asleep instantly. _You’ll have to live with the guilt for the rest of your life._ He deserves it.

He falls asleep. Unbeknownst to him, Dean is just waking up and starting his new life just a few rooms away.


End file.
